Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
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I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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