I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
