so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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