I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
