There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
