bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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