i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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