Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
