Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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