So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
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Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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