i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
