Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
