Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
