he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
love makes seman taste better
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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