My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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