i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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