Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
