He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
false alarm. still invincible.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
