We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
