I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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