Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
