I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
