I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
