Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
