Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is it penis luge time yet?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
