Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
