The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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