Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
