Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
