I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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