I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We were destined to go to rehab together
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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