So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
