The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
