I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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