I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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