i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
