my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
