i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
