I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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