So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
