btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
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He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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