Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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