here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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