I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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