walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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