so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
