My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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