i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
