ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
