I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
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Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
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I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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