And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
