i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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