dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
