don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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